We've known this day would come again, when I would say goodbye to my husband for 7 months as he embarks on another deployment to an undisclosed location. It brings back memories of the last one which was only 2 years ago. That was my first "real" deployment I have experienced and it was "hell". Not only was it a last minute deployment ordered by the dear Navy, but we had just had a baby girl and I was recovering from an emergency c-section. I was also far away from all my friends and family and really struggling with becoming a stay at home mom of 4 children!
I'm worried! Really worried!
Not as much for his safety or my sanity, but for our marriage! The deployment of 2014 has had some really adverse affects on our marriage. During that time I suffered severe anxiety and extreme stress. I survived the deployment physically but emotionally I did not. The day I saw my husband off at the airport my heart shattered into a million pieces...and every time the baby didn't sleep through the night or when dear N got in trouble at school I would feel the pressure and blame my husband for not being here, for not being able to listen to my worries because there was only email communication and blame him for not being here to hug me at the end of a hard day. I blamed him for me being unable to be the best parent I could be and give attention to all 4 kids. Those hard days seemed bountiful and endless. I had good days where I felt like a warrior and thought I could totally handle this and maybe I was getting better at dealing with the loss I felt. It was like I was grieving! But that grief turned to resentment and bitterness.
The bitterness and sour resentment never went away...even when he returned home 6 months later. I wasn't jumping for joy when that ship pulled in... it just made me feel more stress, more pressure to create a loving, joyous environment like nothing had ever happened...like he had never been missing from our lives for 6 months. I mentally and physically could not do it. I bit my tongue for the first few months and tried to be patient while we transitioned back to a family, but we never really succeeded in the transition category. Those 6 months he was gone was like a wedge that has pushed us further and further apart. It felt strange to hug him, his skin felt different, his kiss wasn't the same...I did not feel like this was my husband. Our communication over that six months didn't help bring us closer. All we did was complain, complain, complain. My emails consisted of everything that went wrong, how frustrated I was and all my fears that he would find someone on the ship to console him and take care of his needs...needs I could not fulfill. His emails consisted of some positive moments which I hated! I hated when he pulled into a port because it meant he was living a life without me, he was having fun and enjoying life without me and my fear that he would just move on without me.
Transitioning for me just didn't happen...I hated having to relinquish any control. I didn't fully trust that he could take care of the house and kids the way I did. He didn't return with an attitude of being a helper. All the promises of help offered in emails never surfaced. I was the only one still getting up with the baby, still feeding the baby, still making dinner, still cleaning the whole house, still taking on all the driving duties! The anger surmounted inside me. I just wanted my husband back...the one that I didn't feel like I had to parent. The husband who took the initiative to do the dishes, take out the garbage or feed the family without being nagged or told.
I got so frustrated I started to think my family would be better off without me because every time dear hubby and I argued it always ended up being put on my shoulders because I was over reacting, or I was accusing, or I was the one starting the argument. Why was everything my fault? I'm the one that stayed behind, I'm the one that held these kids when they would cry, I'm the one that was here supporting his career and mine being a thing of the past. I'm the one who had to listen to the teacher negatively talk about N every day after school. I sometimes daydreamed about not existing, yes every one would be sad but they would get over it right?
It took along time for dear hubby to come to terms that our marriage was not okay...but again it was my fault because I couldn't accept that this is what his job entailed him to do. Therapy was useless because I was the only one talking and nothing changed. I went to therapy on my own and still no sense of accomplishment in dealing with any of these emotions regarding the deployment, our marriage complications and my frustrations.
So now, I sit here, knowing my marriage is not on solid ground and that my husband will be leaving again. I'm not really sure how things will be over this period of time or what will happen after. There have been no tears from either of us this time around. No deep hugs, no desperation in spending time together, no terms of endearment. It makes me sad to accept that we are not in a good place before he goes away. The tears stream down my face right now as I tape because I have no idea exactly where our marriage will be when he returns next year. There will be no celebration on our 3rd anniversary this year, there will be no one there to help me shop for Christmas presents, and no real sense of ringing in the new year with him missing.
So dear friends and family...I'm sorry, NOT sorry that over the next 7 months I will most likely be suffering a more severe depression and anxiety period. I'm sorry, NOT sorry that I will be venting my frustrations to you about how much I hate life right now, about how much I miss being a family, about how homesick I am, about how inept the Navy is with their communication system that never works and causes so many issues with emails. I'm sorry, NOT sorry that I dislike the military life and how it has changed me into this empty, bitter person I have become. I'm sorry, NOT sorry that I am not good at asking for help or even receiving help for that matter. I'm sorry, NOT sorry that I will be a complete wreck as my husband departs on a dangerous journey during this phase of the war on terrorism. Many of you, if you already haven't will unfollow or unfriend me because you just can't handle another negative post from the infamous fitfoxyandfrazzledover40, who cannot seem to get out of her rut! I'm sorry, NOT sorry that I will not be the most supportive military wife or mother of the year! I will just do what I do best and that is...SURVIVE!
