Into the Abyss

Anxiety....stress...uncertainty.... an overwhelming sense of doom....thats what I've realized about this new life path I have chosen. Ok, Ok its not all doom and gloom but I have more WTF moments now than I have ever had up to this point. What on earth Am I referring to you wonder? I have recently embarked on a new journey (I say recently but its been almost 3 years now), marrying an american sailor, moving to the united states, having a child in my 40's, social butterfly to isolated hermit and going from being an independent working woman with 2 teenage children to a stay at home mother of 4...the list of changes seem to be endless at this point. It has definitely been a whirlwind adventure to say the least. My life essence is coffee and sleep deprivation. I'm downright cranky...and I'm trying to claw my way out of this grave situation I have placed myself in. You know how some people say "change is good for you"...in this case change has not been good for me...this old dog cannot learn new tricks. 

Where it all started

I met my husband at the end of summer in 2012, I found him on a dating website. He was young (I liked younger men), he was good-looking with a hint of innocence, he was a dad, he  was going through a separation and he was deployed overseas. I was a 10 year divorcee, new teacher, mom of 2 teenage boys, and 12 years older than the man I choose to converse with. At that time I had all the confidence in the world. We couldn't meet in person...to me this was good, a man that was available but unattainable at the time. I was happy with my current situation and was looking to add someone to my life. We dated online for 6 months...dating online via Skype. We finally met in person at the end of January 2013. The rest is a blur really...engaged at the end of March...pregnant at the end of April...immigration paperwork submitted in May.... miscarriage in June.....fiancee visa granted November 23...and then a wedding a week later. 

You may be wondering....what is your point...what are you writing about...why are you so negative?

I am writing this blog to illustrate the reality of military life, to reach out to other over 40 women who have new babies, be there for those who feel alone and misunderstood, to share stories of happiness and frustrations, and to somehow create a better more balanced new version of myself while navigating these rocky seas.