What No One Told Me

Things have been tough...really tough...emotionally, mentally and physically. Being a new-to-the-military wife has pushed me to new levels of anxiety and I hate to admit it but also depression. 

I've had difficult times before...being abused by my mom’s second husband, going through divorce, attending university and obtaining a teaching degree while raising two children...those all were not easy tasks but I endured them far better than I am at being an over 40 mom with a toddler and being a navy wife.

I really had no idea just how things would get so torn apart.

From Happy to Devastated

It was late June 2014 and we were preparing for my first PCS to sunny San Diego, California! We were also expecting our baby girl sometime in September...so we were elated to say the least! And that’s when it happened...the dreaded Navy spoiled our plans to have a happy year together before my husband deployed. You see my husband was entering a period called "Sea Duty". This is usually when they deploy, on a ship, out to the middle of ocean. The ship he was supposed to be on wasn't "out to sea" often during our time in California. 

I will never forget the day my husband came home, hugged me tight and started to sob.... his orders were being modded (a.k.a modified) .... he would be moved to another ship and they were deploying before the baby due date. My heart sank...I was devastated...I was scared...I was angry. How could this be happening to my happy family? No one told me this could happen!!!

I think that’s when my smile started to fade...replaced by tears at every thought of what he would miss...at every thought in general really...it didn't help that I was 7 months pregnant though either. 

We drove to California and tried to have as much fun as we could along the way knowing that deployment crept closer and closer. How was I going to do all this alone? Luckily we were very fortunate and his last command was able to get him to stay behind until the baby was born. That was a huge relief because I wasn't sure how I was going to have this baby without my partner and best friend! He promised me I wouldn't have to do this alone...

From Bad to Worse

Then on August 29 in the middle of the night I woke to find a horrific amount of blood dripping out of me...I was petrified! We rushed to the hospital where they told me after my examination that they would have to perform a C-section ASAP. they hurried my gurney down the quiet halls towards the OR and set me on the operating table...I was going to be awake for this surgery however the anesthesiologist decided I had lost too much blood and needed to be put under. I was terrified...the last thing I said to my husband was..." If I die please tell Dylon and Zac how much I love them."

Ten days later......I drove my husband to the airport...cried my eyes out and said goodbye the love of my life. My bestfriend...my supporter...my partner...I was now truly alone...my heart broke that day...and sadly it has never repaired.  Why Am I writing about something so bad...? because I'm about to embark on that same mission all over again...my husband is soon to deploy...I will once again be alone to hold down the fort. And even though our marriage has been really rocky and bumpy and stormy since 2015...he is still that person I look to for comfort, the calm I look for at the end of a hard day with the kids...it breaks my heart into tiny pieces all over again...the shards thinner and sharper than ever...how on earth do I come back from this?