Strong is the New Skinny!

She stands there, ready to get in the shower, and passes the mirror...."Ugh!" She thinks to herself..."I workout so hard, will I ever stop the jiggle?" "Will I ever be happy with my body? Will I ever get the toned legs and abs I strive for?"

ALL THE WRONG REASONS

I've never been a fat girl or an overweight girl...but I've always been a very unhappy with my body girl. I have an athletic type body, slim build with muscular calves and shoulders. So if I'm not fat how come I'm unhappy? Well it stems from my childhood and environment. It stems from society and what is battered into our psyche of what is desirable. 

I was abused by my mom's second husband...I will never refer to him as "stepdad" because he wasn't ever one of those. Growing up he would slap my thighs and call them "Manitoba Leg". I have bigger thighs and his reference always made me feel like a cheap piece of worthless meat, it was like being called a cow. It made me HATE my legs to the point where I would imagine shaving the imagined fat from my legs and dreaming about long lean legs, the type found on the cover of many magazines. 

It didn't stop there. In middle school puberty hit and I started developing breasts and hips...oh gosh...that just opened a whole new world of shame and loss of self esteem. So not only did the abuse continue well into my teenage years, but now at school I had to deal with ridicule from boys who called me " Mother Load". I couldn't fit properly into jeans because of my hips and calves. Yes...my calves are big...NOT FAT...just muscular but try to explain that to all the skinny rich girls I went to school with.  I skipped school a lot those years just to cope, I also tried starving myself, I tried puking, and also started to obsess with exercise. This is NOT what teenage girls should have to worry about.

Fast forward to adulthood, still obsessed with the scale, my clothing size and exercise. I tried all sorts of diet products that claim to make you lose 10 pounds in a month. Slim fast, ephedra products, appetite suppressants, meal replacement shakes...pills...you name it I tried it. None of it worked for me. I am not an over eater by any means and have always been rather disciplined when it comes to whats on my plate. Haha...even when I was at my smallest, a size 4, I still wasn't happy and felt the need to lose more weight...I needed desperately to look skinny!

THE REAL TEST

The past 3 years have been the most difficult in my battle of the bulge. I'm in my 40's now and my hormones are changing. I forgot to mention that at 41 years of age, I was pregnant with my daughter and gained a whopping 75 lbs! I was huge and everyone took every opportunity to mention that..." Are you having twins?" "Do you have gestational diabetes?" Even my OB made a comment "Can't keep your hands out of the fridge?" Then I had a c-section and couldn't do anything for 6 weeks...that was tough...I still looked pregnant !!! Once I got the clear to resume physical activity I went full force. My husband was deployed and I vowed I would lose all the baby weight before he returned...and I did just that...but even once I reached 137lbs..below my goal weight...I was as miserable as ever! 

I started getting discouraged...I mean I was working out 3 hours a day 6 days a week and yes I had lost the weight but I was still jiggly...my thighs had no tone, I still had no abs...I wanted to give up!

But my friends and family reminded me of how far I had come, that I was their inspiration. 

NO LONGER A SLAVE

So one day...I decided to....DITCH the scale! I have not weighed myself since March 2016. I reevaluated my goals...to build lean muscle in my legs and abs. To remember that its a process and sometimes a slow, lengthy process! I am trying to learn to like my body...even the jiggly bits...mainly because I have a daughter now...and I want her to love her body! I don't want my daughter looking in the mirror wishing she could cut the fat off of her legs, I don't want my daughter believing she has to starve herself to be desirable or take diet products because she thinks she has to be a certain weight. I want my daughter to be strong, confident and healthy. So I lift weights to build muscle, to remain strong, to be healthy...because she is watching.

Letting Go

Today I switch gears a bit...tomorrow is a difficult day. You probably think.."She says this all the time..so what is new" right? But tomorrow is a different difficult...it is a bittersweet moment that has been coming for years...my eldest son is college bound and now I must let go of my beautiful baby boy and send him off into this big world so that he can start his OWN journey. 

A lot of parents are rejoicing but not I...don't get me wrong...I'm excited that he has grown into an independent, responsible young man. I'm excited for his new journey where he will discover what he wants out of life, what his purpose is. What I am not excited about is that I won't be there with him. He will no longer come home everyday from school and raid the fridge. He will no longer ask me to drive him to work, I will no longer be there in the stands to watch his early morning hockey practices (once he makes the sun devils team), I won't get to be there when he gets a bad cold and needs mom to get him some medicine. I won't get to see that beautiful smile that melts my heart, I won't get that hug or the "I love you too, mom" everyday. I will miss the hockey bag smell in the garage, I will miss passing his messy room while walking down the hallway to go to his sisters room. I will miss the late night text messages telling me "Hey mom, just going out to get something to eat". 

Although my parenting role will never cease to exist, it will change significantly. No longer is this a young child to parent relationship..it is now an adult child to parent relationship. We will still have our disagreements and meltdowns, but now I must let him put to practice all the values and lessons I have taught him and have faith him to make good choices on this new adventure into college life. 

What I want most for my college child to know is he always has a place to call home. I will always be here for him no matter what. He can call me anytime...when he's happy, when he's sad, when he's in trouble...I will always listen. I will offer him suggestions and ask him how I can help. I want happiness for him, I want him to choose his own path...not what he thinks other people want him to do. If college isn't his thing after this first year then he needs to find what makes him happy. I want him to be successful and pave his own roads. 

He will always be that little 7lb 2 oz baby boy born on December 16th 1998 on a chilly morning in Chilliwack BC Canada. He will always be my all star hockey player. I will always look at him with awe and wonder...for I know he is destined to do great things. I love you my son...this ones for you!

What No One Told Me

Things have been tough...really tough...emotionally, mentally and physically. Being a new-to-the-military wife has pushed me to new levels of anxiety and I hate to admit it but also depression. 

I've had difficult times before...being abused by my mom’s second husband, going through divorce, attending university and obtaining a teaching degree while raising two children...those all were not easy tasks but I endured them far better than I am at being an over 40 mom with a toddler and being a navy wife.

I really had no idea just how things would get so torn apart.

From Happy to Devastated

It was late June 2014 and we were preparing for my first PCS to sunny San Diego, California! We were also expecting our baby girl sometime in September...so we were elated to say the least! And that’s when it happened...the dreaded Navy spoiled our plans to have a happy year together before my husband deployed. You see my husband was entering a period called "Sea Duty". This is usually when they deploy, on a ship, out to the middle of ocean. The ship he was supposed to be on wasn't "out to sea" often during our time in California. 

I will never forget the day my husband came home, hugged me tight and started to sob.... his orders were being modded (a.k.a modified) .... he would be moved to another ship and they were deploying before the baby due date. My heart sank...I was devastated...I was scared...I was angry. How could this be happening to my happy family? No one told me this could happen!!!

I think that’s when my smile started to fade...replaced by tears at every thought of what he would miss...at every thought in general really...it didn't help that I was 7 months pregnant though either. 

We drove to California and tried to have as much fun as we could along the way knowing that deployment crept closer and closer. How was I going to do all this alone? Luckily we were very fortunate and his last command was able to get him to stay behind until the baby was born. That was a huge relief because I wasn't sure how I was going to have this baby without my partner and best friend! He promised me I wouldn't have to do this alone...

From Bad to Worse

Then on August 29 in the middle of the night I woke to find a horrific amount of blood dripping out of me...I was petrified! We rushed to the hospital where they told me after my examination that they would have to perform a C-section ASAP. they hurried my gurney down the quiet halls towards the OR and set me on the operating table...I was going to be awake for this surgery however the anesthesiologist decided I had lost too much blood and needed to be put under. I was terrified...the last thing I said to my husband was..." If I die please tell Dylon and Zac how much I love them."

Ten days later......I drove my husband to the airport...cried my eyes out and said goodbye the love of my life. My bestfriend...my supporter...my partner...I was now truly alone...my heart broke that day...and sadly it has never repaired.  Why Am I writing about something so bad...? because I'm about to embark on that same mission all over again...my husband is soon to deploy...I will once again be alone to hold down the fort. And even though our marriage has been really rocky and bumpy and stormy since 2015...he is still that person I look to for comfort, the calm I look for at the end of a hard day with the kids...it breaks my heart into tiny pieces all over again...the shards thinner and sharper than ever...how on earth do I come back from this?