She stands there, ready to get in the shower, and passes the mirror...."Ugh!" She thinks to herself..."I workout so hard, will I ever stop the jiggle?" "Will I ever be happy with my body? Will I ever get the toned legs and abs I strive for?"
ALL THE WRONG REASONS
I've never been a fat girl or an overweight girl...but I've always been a very unhappy with my body girl. I have an athletic type body, slim build with muscular calves and shoulders. So if I'm not fat how come I'm unhappy? Well it stems from my childhood and environment. It stems from society and what is battered into our psyche of what is desirable.
I was abused by my mom's second husband...I will never refer to him as "stepdad" because he wasn't ever one of those. Growing up he would slap my thighs and call them "Manitoba Leg". I have bigger thighs and his reference always made me feel like a cheap piece of worthless meat, it was like being called a cow. It made me HATE my legs to the point where I would imagine shaving the imagined fat from my legs and dreaming about long lean legs, the type found on the cover of many magazines.
It didn't stop there. In middle school puberty hit and I started developing breasts and hips...oh gosh...that just opened a whole new world of shame and loss of self esteem. So not only did the abuse continue well into my teenage years, but now at school I had to deal with ridicule from boys who called me " Mother Load". I couldn't fit properly into jeans because of my hips and calves. Yes...my calves are big...NOT FAT...just muscular but try to explain that to all the skinny rich girls I went to school with. I skipped school a lot those years just to cope, I also tried starving myself, I tried puking, and also started to obsess with exercise. This is NOT what teenage girls should have to worry about.
Fast forward to adulthood, still obsessed with the scale, my clothing size and exercise. I tried all sorts of diet products that claim to make you lose 10 pounds in a month. Slim fast, ephedra products, appetite suppressants, meal replacement shakes...pills...you name it I tried it. None of it worked for me. I am not an over eater by any means and have always been rather disciplined when it comes to whats on my plate. Haha...even when I was at my smallest, a size 4, I still wasn't happy and felt the need to lose more weight...I needed desperately to look skinny!
THE REAL TEST
The past 3 years have been the most difficult in my battle of the bulge. I'm in my 40's now and my hormones are changing. I forgot to mention that at 41 years of age, I was pregnant with my daughter and gained a whopping 75 lbs! I was huge and everyone took every opportunity to mention that..." Are you having twins?" "Do you have gestational diabetes?" Even my OB made a comment "Can't keep your hands out of the fridge?" Then I had a c-section and couldn't do anything for 6 weeks...that was tough...I still looked pregnant !!! Once I got the clear to resume physical activity I went full force. My husband was deployed and I vowed I would lose all the baby weight before he returned...and I did just that...but even once I reached 137lbs..below my goal weight...I was as miserable as ever!
I started getting discouraged...I mean I was working out 3 hours a day 6 days a week and yes I had lost the weight but I was still jiggly...my thighs had no tone, I still had no abs...I wanted to give up!
But my friends and family reminded me of how far I had come, that I was their inspiration.
NO LONGER A SLAVE
So one day...I decided to....DITCH the scale! I have not weighed myself since March 2016. I reevaluated my goals...to build lean muscle in my legs and abs. To remember that its a process and sometimes a slow, lengthy process! I am trying to learn to like my body...even the jiggly bits...mainly because I have a daughter now...and I want her to love her body! I don't want my daughter looking in the mirror wishing she could cut the fat off of her legs, I don't want my daughter believing she has to starve herself to be desirable or take diet products because she thinks she has to be a certain weight. I want my daughter to be strong, confident and healthy. So I lift weights to build muscle, to remain strong, to be healthy...because she is watching.
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